Haunted by the ghost of unemployment

Have you been paying attention?  If so, you will know that I am now working, albeit part time.  During my brief spell of redundancy, I decided to try and reclaim some of that hard earned cash that I have been haemorrhaging into the social security coffers for the last 25 years.  I think I regret it now.  Approximately six weeks after making my claim for benefits and the like, I received a cheque through the post.  Hurrah I hear you cry.  Calm yourself now, it wasn't for that much, also a reduction on my remaining council tax.  Hurrah I hear you cry again. Now, for clarity the total of these sums isn't enough to retire on.  Shortly later, a letter arrives from Inland Revenue telling me they are going to give us more money.  I'm almost giddy with excitement by now.  It seems the system is giving me money!  Now, before we get too carried away, let's hit the brakes for just a moment.  Working tax credit is considered as an income so far as benefits agency are concerned and by now I have a job that I will be starting imminently.  So, as a good honest citizen, it's back off to the Council offices to tell them everything.  So I do.  That's the best part of an afternoon gone being honest and appeasing my conscience; but as a consolation I leave with the warm glow of an honest man.


About 36 seconds later, several million letters appear through my door from Gloucester City Council.
1. A cheque for back payment of housing benefit.  Hurrah!
2. A letter telling me all about my claim that looks much the same as previous letters.  Hurrah!
3. A big fat letter explaining why I am no longer entitled to housing or council tax benefit and indeed haven't been since tax credits went up so I've been overpaid.  Boo hiss!
4. An invoice asking for everything back, including the value of the cheque above all bar about three shillings.  Boo hiss!
5. A new council tax bill, hiking it up to pre benefits levels and wanting the overpayment back.  Boo hiss again.


All the letters arrived on the same day and indeed 1-4 all have the same date and 2 and 3 are from the same person.  My head spins.  There is only one thing for it.  Phone.  Talk to someone, find out what's going on.  So I do. About a week later.  Desperately helpful cheery bloke confirms that I do indeed need to give them money back.
"How would you like to pay it Mr Kirby"
"Well, I wouldn't really but what are my options"
"I can take it over the phone now, pay over three or four months, couple of other options blah blah blah"
I pay in full, they'll probably only write to me again if I don't. "D'you realise I was probably better off on the dole"
"I couldn't possibly comment sir"
"Ah, go on"
"I can't"
"Ah, go on"

"I can't"

He wouldn't be goaded.  Good professional chap.  Not that good however, his name was on letter 4.


So, I am now considering revisiting my own honesty and conscience.  Seriously though, in the same metaphorical boat again, would I bother?  I really don't know.  Claiming dole was easy and quite an experience every fortnight, the rest is hassle.  Benefit fraud must be a full time job and as much work as a real job.


Anyway, how are you all?  Been up to anything interesting?  If you have, blog it, I might give it a read.  Brother, take note, your blog is barren.  That being said, I do know my brother is drinking hard to get his book complete, and a fine book I'm sure it will be.  Shameless plug, where's my commission?
In amongst the benefits melee, I have also been on my first practical driving lesson.  I'm being taught one instructor to two trainees so we get a bit of practice trying to teach and getting used to how much it is necessary to say.  It is possible that my co-trainee was hand picked to make me feel better about my own efforts.  Feel free to draw your own inference.  Over a two(ish) hour drive, notwithstanding I didn't do any manoeuvres, I did drive well enough to probably pass a normal driving test.  Considering it is 13 years since I was last taught to drive, I'm quite happy with that although I have naturally been swotting up. Things on the road and driving best practice has changed in the time I've been driving so I reckon there is a case for refresher courses.  Give it a couple of months, tell me you saw it here and I'll do you a deal.

So if you see a heavy liveried Vauxhall Corsa on the streets of Cheltenham or Gloucester, give it a wave, it might be me...

Given that the spectre of redundancy still hangs, the blog title has a reprieve, giving you all more chance to win the exciting prize I spoke of in my previous blog.  OK, truth is I still haven't worked out how to change the title yet.

The end of an era

Have you missed me? It's been a while since I last blogged but that's because I have been busy. Busy doing what? you ask. Go on feel free to ask. Actually, it makes no difference whatsoever whether you ask or not because I'm going to tell you unless I have lost you already.

Last week I made the long last walk to the dole office. I broke my normal routine by checking in with the greeter just a few minutes before my appointment and not going and looking at the rather useless computer things that advertise the non-jobs. This did, however, give me the new opportunity of watching other people using them. In particular a girl with her boyfriend, I presume, who printed off just about every job on the system. In 5 minutes they must have come away with 20 job details each. There are a

couple of possibilities here by my reckoning. Either they were very keen to get a job or they were trying to show their Job centre chap that they were looking for a job and binning the details on the way out or they were just in competition, who could print out the most details in a set time. Whichever way, an odd couple.

So to my interview:

"Good afternoon Mr Kirby"

"Hello"

"How's the job hunting?"

"I've stopped. Not looking now"

"Pardon?"

"I've stopped. Not looking now"

"Can I ask why? You know you must be looking for work to claim job seekers"

"Yes"

........

"I have a job now"

So what happens? Someone rushes on with flowers? Fireworks? Spontaneous, rapturous applause? At least a hug from the job centre staff, after all we have become friends over the last couple of months haven't we?

"You'll have to fill in this section to sign off then"

That's it. I have given many hours of my life to the job centre now I'm fobbed off with a wee form to sign off. No tears, nothing. I filled in the necessary paperwork and left, deflated, disappointed.

The rest of the week is half term. Tina is off work so we have half a week of family time. A rare treat including a trip to Weston. Strange, we went to Weston right at the end of October and experienced better weather than when we went in the summer; and we saw the start of the work on the new pier.

Saturday was Hallowe'en. Now, historically I have been a proper grumpy about Hallowe'en but this year in an attempt to be happy jolly dad and shake off, at least temporarily, the Grumpy Old Man image, we take a trip to Over farm and get pumpkins which are duly carved into jack o' lanterns that looked a bit like these on the left. We don't like waste so decided to make pumpkin pie from the flesh taken out of the pumpkin. Want my advice? Do you? If not look away now because I'm going to give it. If you ever carve pumpkins, please, for the love of god throw away the flesh. Pumpkin pie has to join the very short list of food I really can't stand. It is truly grim.

The kids dressed up to go trick or treating with some very strict rules and, I must confess, I was impressed by the haul they came back with. I did assume that most people were as grumpy as I typically am about Hallowe'en. Maybe I misjudged people or just tarred them with my own brush.

Monday was new job day one. It is a complete change for me. A rare foray into working for a small, non techy company. Very relaxed, very chilled but everyone gets the job done.

And finally to the highlight of the last week. Can we have a drum roll please? After several weeks of study the time came to sit my driving theory test, the first part to qualify to becoming a driving instructor. And, can you be discrete? I was probably more nervous than I can remember having been for an awfully long time. The morning spent on the toilet. So what happens? 96% in the theory and 63/75 in the hazard perception. I blitzed it. I rock. I am great. Here's to the practical training and the next two tests.

On the Horns of a Dilemma

What is the plural of dilemma? Dillemmae? Dillemmi, Dilemmas? If there isn't anyone around try saying them out loud, none sound right. However whatever the plural is I have two borne from what is good news.

Today I had a second interview for a part time job in Hucclecote and they offered me the job. I have accepted. It seems a good way to get off the rock 'n' roll and leave behind the fortnightly adventure of the dole office whilst still giving me enough time to train to be a driving instructor. Everyone's a winner so far you might think.

So to dilemma number 1. You will recall that some weeks ago I was accepted for the temporary Christmas cover job with Royal Mail. Not being the union type, I was fully prepared to take this on; now, however, I have another job so the question is can I handle both for a period of four weeks? Doing the sums, a twenty hour week is four hours per day, add that to a ten hour night shift for Royal Mail and that's a fourteen hour day. Five days a week for four weeks. Reasonable money but will it be too much work? Remember, I served my apprenticeship as a civil servant so was used to a fourteen hour week if we were busy; I'm sure you have heard the joke - Why doesn't a civil servant look out of the window in the morning? - Because then they would have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Dilemma 2, and far more important. If you have been following my blog for some time, I think we can consider ourselves friends and what are friends for if not to share burdens of this importance? If you read the title of my blog and the first entry, you will know that it was born to share my experiences as a doley with anyone who might want to read it. So what to do now? I'm quite hooked on blogging and quite attached to this blog. I would be far too sad to abandon it now. It would be like losing a limb. Well, not quite like losing a limb, that's obviously much more severe but you get the drift. So, please feel free to comment, I'm thinking of re-titling to cover new job, training as a driving instructor or just about anything that comes to mind.

On Tuesday next week I shall be making my emotional visit to Jobcentre Plus for my last sign on and to sign off. Tears, I'm sure, will be shed.

I've gone and done it

Monday and Tuesday this week have been nothing if not eventful. Allow me to elaborate in chronological order:

Monday I had a test drive with Red Driving School in Cheltenham. It didn't occur to me that in the last five years I have driven (almost) exclusively a large people carrier with an automatic gearbox. Driving instructor's cars are, inevitably, small with a manual gearbox. So having given the thoroughly decent instructor chap a nervous breakdown when I told him, we set off in to the mean streets of dowtown Cheltenham. A very strange experience; some thirteen years ago I passed my driving test, possibly the best feeling being that I would never have to do it again yet here I am voluntarily doing it. However, after driving round the block a couple of times, a parallel park and reverse into a bay it obviously went well. I don't know if the instructor was more relieved or impressed with my driving, the beautiful smooth gear changes and impeccable positioning or the fact that his car was still intact, but he offered me a place in the driving school in exchange for me handing over my hard earned cash. Which I nearly did, I signed up so they can take the fee. In exchange I now have a bundle of driving related books, a handful of DVDs and CDs and access to an on-line learning resource. My relaxed life as doley now has some purpose and I will be spending all my free time studying. Give it a few months and I could be teaching the next generation of boy racers, sorry, responsible young people craving their freedom.

In the meantime, I am still entitled to sign on so long as I don't work more than sixteen hours, however, in pursuit of the mighty dollar I am looking for some part time temporary work for over Christmas. To these ends I have completed an on-line assessment including a personality profiling questionnaire for Royal Mail. Despite this I have been selected for interview. I may, temporarily at least, be forced to change my name to Pat.

Tuesday was sign on day. A bit of a let down, security didn't seem to be too busy and there wasn't a drunk in sight, in fact, there was barely anyone in sight other than the staff, but then I was there at 9am before your average unemployed is up. I gave up my paperwork to the "greeter" and was instructed to have a look on the job search machines whilst I waited. I didn't wait long before an apparently genuinly cheerful advisor called me through. I discussed, in principle at least, the whole driving thing and part time job idea. This was a good move, I'm firmly in the Job Centre comfort zone now. Technical management positions with real salaries? Sorry can't do those sir. Part time job on or near minimum wage? Way hay we know all about those. Have you tried Argos, Toys R Us, Tesco Sainsbury...... I think he ran out of breath before shops that were likely to be recruiting for Christmas.

"Yes," I replied - "I thought Royal Mail as well." There was no stopping him now, he had his breath back "Good idea. Curry's, Debenhams, British Home Stores, ooh don't forget The Quays, they'll all be recruiting."

I thanked him for his time, promised to return in a fortnight and made my exit. He may still be there rattling off more and more shops now.

What's next?

I'm quite enjoying being a gentleman of leisure. So far I have spent days on a bike (thanks for the advice Mr Tebbitt), several hours in the dole office, a day walking in the Cotswolds and I've trimmed my bush. However, I'm aware that I'm really being little use to anyone (please, no need for comment) and only have a certain amount of cash.

So to consider how to spend the next chapter of my working life. There are a couple of considerations here; one, naturally is that I need to make some money, I'm not greedy just enough to pay the bills, have a good time, several holidays a year, dine out lavishly on a near daily basis, that sort of thing. Secondly, I want to do something that I will enjoy and, hopefully, will be a benefit to society or at least individuals. I believe it was Confucius who once wrote: "Find a job you love, and you will never have to work another day in your life" and I quite fancy never working again so here we go.

A quick poll on Facebook received suggestions such as pole dancer, drag queen and escort. I'm afraid I may be seriously underqualified in certain areas for these. So, dear reader, please consider some options with me:

1. Do much the same techy, project type stuff as I have been doing since God was a boy. Pros: It's easy and I could fall into it reasonably quickly and earn cash. Cons: Frankly I'd rather stick needles in my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I rather enjoyed my job on the whole, the people were generally good and the money OK but really do need a chnage now and redundancy can be my springboard.

2. Teacher. Pros: Optimistically, I could be helping to provide kids with a future and be a role model for a whole load of disaffected kids. Cons: All them kids. The subjects I would be suited to teaching are compulsory so you're still teaching kids that don't see the need. On top of that, I don't have a degree so it could take forever to qualify.

3. Further Education tutor: Much the same considerations as above but for adults. Would be easier to qualify for, pays less.

4. Solicitor. I mean the type that deals in law here. This was, for a while top choice number one. However, the amount of study I would have to do, the amount that would cost and the time it would take when I would barely earn a bean is prohibitive.

5. Driving instructor. A bit out of left field this one perhaps? Damned expensive to start and nearly always self employed but hey, what's redundancy for if not to try and get you on your feet again? I remember the day I passed my test, I still maintain it was so I didn't have to spend another minute in the car with my awful instructor again, but I was elated and to see somebody that happy and to know you wre ea part of it can't be bad.

So the news is, I shall be handing over a large wad in trhe next few days and training to be a driving instructor. Hopefully, by new year I will be qualified enough to teach so if you know someone that could make use of an excellent driving instructor, you know where to find me.