Vive La Différence

In true celebratory style, it is my month-iversary at my new (part time) job which I took on after being made redundant and, as I'm sure you are aware, leaves me time to train as a driving instructor.  To celebrate this milestone, I decided it is time for a little reflection.  I am now working for a small company rather than a messy sprawling company with fingers in several international pies so naturally comparing the two seems a good way to reflect.  Please don't consider this to be any form of career advice, if you are young, naive and looking for a job, you will find no guidance here as to the type of company you should consider.  These are simply the views of a jaded and cynical grumpy.  So lets consider a few things:


1.  Bullshit.  Right, we need some blue sky thinking here.  Let's put some ideas in the mental microwave and wait for it to ping.  Run the flag up the flagpole, see who shoots it.  I'm actually quite good at bullshit.  It's just a kind of corporate or technical waffle.  Ten years in the civil service gives you a good grounding.  In fact, in many respects, I quite like bullshit you can use it to your advantage in all sorts of situations.  What I don't like though is that poor cover up type bullshit that managers use to cover up their inadequacies.  The amount of bullshit produced is, no doubt, absolutely proportional to the size of the organisation.  After all, they do say shit floats upwards.


2.  Sycophancy.  We're at the opposite end of the scale now.  I would never do well in a large organisation because I must have been off school they day they taught sucking up.  Big company, in my experience, watch your step so you don't trip over people bowing down to management.  Smaller companies tend to work much more on an everyone getting on together kind of a way.  There's little point getting your nose brown because there isn't the structure to worm promotion in to.


3.  Camaraderie.  I've struggled over this one because the differences aren't quite so obvious.  There is the same camaraderie, in my experience, in any size company; after all we're all working towards the same common goal aren't we? (sorry slipped into bullshit then).  The only difference is in a big company there are more people to relate with and, just by simple laws of chance, there is a higher chance that there will be someone who gets so far up your nose they're wandering around in your brain.  In a big company though, you can often hide from them.  Woe betide some irritating oik in a small company - there is no escape.  Then again, perhaps my ambition could be to be that oik.


4.  Hiding.  Big company, several people doing the same thing, oodles of opportunity to use lines such as "It was him", "He told me to", "Well, I may have done, but you'll never guess what SHE did", "Maybe but at least I didn't....", "Not my responsibility".  You get the picture.  Not that I would ever slope shoulders and pass the buck of course not.  Well, maybe a little, but at least I didn't do what he did.


5.  Technology.  Sorry, I've slipped into my old life now.  Big company, usually big budget for technology.  Small company, bring your own string and baked bean can.  However, there are common issues here as well.  I remember in the eighties talk about the paperless office.  Computers and technology generate paperwork, they don't save it.  And that's true in a one man company or multinational.


6.  Money.  Again, common ground, both large and small companies will probably pay you.   However, don't expect big bucks in a small company.  Come to that, there didn't seem to be big bucks in the big companies either.


7.  Offshoring.  There are two issues here.  Firstly, small company most unlikely to transfer huge chunks of its operation to foreign parts thereby making you redundant.  And anyway, offshore for UK is only onshoring somewhere else?  Second issue, offshoring isn't a real word.  Nor is onshoring come to that (I may have just made it up, if so baggsy the copyright).  Even my spell checker underlines it with a wiggly red line.  And this is the tip of the iceberg.  Don't have a word for it?  make one up or use another word that doesn't really work.  Networking, benchmarking and, my all time anti-favourite - solutioning.


Anyhow, nothing to do with small vs big companies, but in case it has escaped your attention, we have slipped into advent.  Little over three weeks to go till the big fella slips down your chimney.  In an unnatural and unlikely state of organisation we are prepared for Christmas in the Kirby household.  That's it bragging over.  I am, however, desperately excited about Christmas this year.  Any day now it will be time to start winding the kids into a frenzy of excitement.  Then regret it several minutes later.


Finally, a cause célèbre.  I have discovered that I can create sort of sub blogs.  This means I can retire the redundancy blog just as soon as I have a title.  I'm so excited you wouldn't believe it.  I have created another blog-ette.  You may recall that I have got the bike out of the shed and started riding it.  I have created a blog that will, eventually I'm sure, waffle on about my rides and include some pictures of buildings, views and old stuff that will interest me and no-one else.  If you're masochistic enough to take a shufty, you can find it by clicking here.

That's it for today, thanks for your time, I hope this was an enhancing experience for all.  We must touch base sometime and check the methodology to circumvent the pinch points that might just disintermediate the client base and ensure we are in the right ball park.  Remember this blog is available 24/7 24/365.

My indecision is final

I used to be indecisive but I'm not so sure now. Ah, the old jokes are the best; my brother has, after all been dining out on them for years.

Today's blog entry is all about those indecisions that you make then decide on an option then change your mind and so on ad infinitum until it becomes either irrelevant or a matter of life and death. Fortunately, the decisions I am faced with tend more to the former category.

Firstly, as previously discussed, the title of my blog. Take a glance at the top of the page and you will see that it still refers to redundancy. I am now gainfully (though part time) employed; dole have washed their hands of me so time to retitle. I have decided to prove that I support the whole principle of democracy and throw open the new title to the public vote, Simon Cowell eat your heart out. Suggestions please to the comments on here, Facebook or, if you know me well enough feel free to email me. Please don't come round knocking at my door at the dead of night to tell me your idea. To add some excitement I have decided to throw all cost to the wind and the person who makes the best suggestion could win an (optional) prize of an autographed photo of me. Contain your excitement, please.

My other indecision I had (note the past tense here) made a full on, no turning back decision on so no democracy here. Remember I was debating the idea of two jobs, 12 hour day? Second job being at Royal Mail doing the Christmas cover? Now, I had decided to give it a go notwithstanding a couple of days I couldn't do, then what happens? I'll tell you what. The buggers write to me and say I won't be needed until 2nd December, some 10 days after my original start date giving me about 10 working days. It's barely worth me getting tired for. I have therefore resigned before I start. The deed poll will be stopped, my name will not be Pat. It does make me wonder though if Royal Mail have lost business for Christmas and they don't see so much of a need for Christmas cover? I'll let you mull that one over yourself, I don't feel the

need to debate my feelings about unions and strike action here.

That's it for my indecision but I haven't finished yet, oh no, I couldn't let you down.

I have been thinking. When I was a kid, what I generally do in my blog would have simply been called a diary (not the sort you keep your meetings and dentist appointments in) and, historically, no one would ever be allowed within 100 feet of your diary let alone read it. This whole blog for the world to see is a bit of a turn about eh?

So to my week. How have you all been? I've been fine thanks for asking. I have noticed though that I've been quite inactive and increasingly rotund of late so I have decided to get my bike out of the shed. I stuck it in the back of the car and went for a ride after work, another bonus of working half day. Weather was OK so I thought it would be rather pleasant to go have lunch at

Witcombe Roman Villa, just a couple of miles from the office. Now, I rather like the villa, it is always peaceful and very picturesque. I have been there many times before although only in the car or by walking across the Cotswold way in dry weather. Never did it occur to me that the access road is, essentially, a working farm track. My bicycle is a lovely slick racing machine with tyres no wider than a gnat's pube. It now looks like a rough old cyclo-cross thing. Still, a pleasant meander, 25ish miles and feeling the affects after not riding for a few weeks. Reminds me of a David Letterman interview with Lance Armstrong after winning his 487th (or thereabouts) Tour de France:

"So Lance, how do you feel after winning the tour again"

"I've got a sore arse Dave"

There ends the similarity.

Yesterday saw me on a night out to see Seasick Steve at the O2 in Birmingham. We took reliable information that the O2 is what was the Carling Academy. It isn't. Although there were a goodly number of other people milling about equally misinformed. Once we found the place, still on time, it was a cracking evening. If you haven't come across the fella before, look him up, listen to his music if you like Southern States blues stuff but either way an interesting biography you can read about it on his website www.seasicksteve.com - some music downloads on there too or a good biog on Wikipedia.

Right, I'm off for now. If you see me tonight in the pitch black with a camera on a tripod in my living room, there's nothing kinky I'll just be taking photos of ghosts on my sofa. Check here again in a couple of days, if it works I'll blog the results. If not, I'll crawl into a corner and sob inconsolably.

On the Horns of a Dilemma

What is the plural of dilemma? Dillemmae? Dillemmi, Dilemmas? If there isn't anyone around try saying them out loud, none sound right. However whatever the plural is I have two borne from what is good news.

Today I had a second interview for a part time job in Hucclecote and they offered me the job. I have accepted. It seems a good way to get off the rock 'n' roll and leave behind the fortnightly adventure of the dole office whilst still giving me enough time to train to be a driving instructor. Everyone's a winner so far you might think.

So to dilemma number 1. You will recall that some weeks ago I was accepted for the temporary Christmas cover job with Royal Mail. Not being the union type, I was fully prepared to take this on; now, however, I have another job so the question is can I handle both for a period of four weeks? Doing the sums, a twenty hour week is four hours per day, add that to a ten hour night shift for Royal Mail and that's a fourteen hour day. Five days a week for four weeks. Reasonable money but will it be too much work? Remember, I served my apprenticeship as a civil servant so was used to a fourteen hour week if we were busy; I'm sure you have heard the joke - Why doesn't a civil servant look out of the window in the morning? - Because then they would have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Dilemma 2, and far more important. If you have been following my blog for some time, I think we can consider ourselves friends and what are friends for if not to share burdens of this importance? If you read the title of my blog and the first entry, you will know that it was born to share my experiences as a doley with anyone who might want to read it. So what to do now? I'm quite hooked on blogging and quite attached to this blog. I would be far too sad to abandon it now. It would be like losing a limb. Well, not quite like losing a limb, that's obviously much more severe but you get the drift. So, please feel free to comment, I'm thinking of re-titling to cover new job, training as a driving instructor or just about anything that comes to mind.

On Tuesday next week I shall be making my emotional visit to Jobcentre Plus for my last sign on and to sign off. Tears, I'm sure, will be shed.

Grumpy and Proud

I am a big fan of the BBC Grumpy old series. Probably no surprise to those that know me. Even the kids bough me a Mr Grumpy Tee shirt for my birthday a year or two ago, then a Mr Grumpy toy for Christmas. Since the age of about 12 I watched them and nodded through every comment. I didn't realise it was supposed to be comedy, I thought it was a documentary. Why do I tell you this? Yesterday was signing on day. Another jolly couple of hours at the dole office

It gave me reason to give more thought as to the perfect job. You'll no doubt recall a few blogs ago I discussed my career options. They were quite sensible. After signing on yesterday, I thought I would share some thoughts on the perfect job. Consider the following conversation with Job Centre chap who had read my form declaring my efforts at getting a job:

JC "Quite a variety of jobs you've shown an interest in Mr Kirby"

Me "Mm hmm"

JC "What are you looking for?"

Me "Something interesting"

JC "What's your perfect job?"

Pause.....

Me "Yours"

JC "Really?"

Me "Yes, after all, it's probably seen more growth than any other business of late"

But it got me thinking about some other jobs I have previously considered at least for a temporary position; traffic warden, truancy officer or best of all the guy that gets evidence on benefits fraudsters - you know following and filming the invalid playing football and the like. Put simply, any job that causes misery to people that I dislike; a way to vent my spleen. I fear I wouldn't last long in any of these posts though. I would be that traffic warden watching the clock for the instant that someone goes over their time.

If you are unemployed, you will be familiar with the sheets that you record your job search activities on. You note the date, what you did and the outcome. JC noticed the jobs I was applying for but not the comment against checking the job pages of the Citizen where I wrote "Nothing of interest, the job pages are about as good as the editorial".

Still, I took the conversation on to a different level:

Me "Actually I have a job now. Well not yet"

JC "So you need to sign off"

Me "Not yet, don't start until 23rd November and it's only for a month"

JC "You'll have to sign off and after the job finishes you'll have to sign back on but you can do a fast track renewal"

Me "Is it any quicker than a normal application"

JC "No".

It appears that if you do any temporary work over 16 hours in any one week you have to sign off then back on again every week you aren't working. It's a bit of a faff and I'm sure designed to piss you off so much you won't bother so there will be less people officially unemployed. Not me, Oh no, you won't get rid of me that easily. I will doggedly pursue my right to be a government statistic.

However, my friendly, honest JobCentre Plus adviser did agree that the government don't help people that want to get back to work. He's right.

Anyway, the good news, I have an interview tomorrow for a part time-ish job in Hucclecote where the job description is just for some bloke to come and do stuff in the office for 25 hours a week. I can do that. It's got to be better than signing on.

Happy Month-iversary

I spoil you dear reader. This constitutes my second blog in one week, how will you control your excitement? The purpose of this prolificness? The one month anniversary of the very purpose of this blog has recently passed, how could I let the one month-iversary pass uncelebrated? In order to mark this auspicious occasion, I thought I would give you an insight into my deepest thoughts and discoveries that have been spawned from this event.

• Being made redundant is actually no bad thing. Might be a little odd at first reading but if you have got stuck in a rut and need a kick up the proverbial backside to get out of it then it isn't a bad option. Oh, and a few quid to keep you going and supplement the rather meagre Job Seekers Allowance helps.
• Job Seekers Allowance is pants. You don't really have to be a job seeker, just browse the internet from time to time (or at least tell the Jobcentre you have) and you get your cash. What the allowance allows though, I have yet to discover.
• Jobcentre plus I have talked about before. The staff are generally very friendly and helpful if not easily confused by anything out of the ordinary. The name however is one of Her Majesty's Governments's biggest misnomers. It is barely a job centre (there aren't many relevant jobs and the searches are odd at best) and the plus part of the name must be because they had a few letters left over.
• There are a load of jobs out there. Willing to work? Willing to do anything? Not too fussy? Then get off yer arse and do something. Might be temporary or part time but must be more fulfilling than doing jack. And generally pays more unless you are an experienced, trained, scrounger.
• Benefits fraudsters must be some of the hardest working people there are. As an honest claimant, I have spent many an hour and much confusion mulling over the endless forms. Put that much effort into a job and you could make good money. Unless of course you are an experienced, trained, bone idle scrounger.
• Don't even consider doing anything worthwhile or becoming a useful member of society while you are unemployed. Any voluntary or unpaid work will attract more paperwork than you could imagine and a significant amount of doubt from anyone at Jobcentre or other benefit agencies "surely you can't be working for no pay, prove it, show us a payslip". "But I'm not paid". "Prove it, show us a payslip". You get the gist.
• Make the most of it. I have had some good quality time to myself and thoroughly enjoyed taking a wander round the hills. It's also a good time to consider what you really want to do.
• Security guards can be quite scary. And there are lots at the job centre.
• The main purpose of the City centre during the weekday is to provide somewhere for the unemployed, their kids and dogs to hang out and smoke very skinny roll ups. I don't think the dogs actually smoke.
• Month-iversary isn't actually a real word.
• Despite what you will hear, daytime TV isn't actually that bad if you look about. Loose Women is (are?) great.
• Except the adverts, they are truly crap.

What's next?

I'm quite enjoying being a gentleman of leisure. So far I have spent days on a bike (thanks for the advice Mr Tebbitt), several hours in the dole office, a day walking in the Cotswolds and I've trimmed my bush. However, I'm aware that I'm really being little use to anyone (please, no need for comment) and only have a certain amount of cash.

So to consider how to spend the next chapter of my working life. There are a couple of considerations here; one, naturally is that I need to make some money, I'm not greedy just enough to pay the bills, have a good time, several holidays a year, dine out lavishly on a near daily basis, that sort of thing. Secondly, I want to do something that I will enjoy and, hopefully, will be a benefit to society or at least individuals. I believe it was Confucius who once wrote: "Find a job you love, and you will never have to work another day in your life" and I quite fancy never working again so here we go.

A quick poll on Facebook received suggestions such as pole dancer, drag queen and escort. I'm afraid I may be seriously underqualified in certain areas for these. So, dear reader, please consider some options with me:

1. Do much the same techy, project type stuff as I have been doing since God was a boy. Pros: It's easy and I could fall into it reasonably quickly and earn cash. Cons: Frankly I'd rather stick needles in my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I rather enjoyed my job on the whole, the people were generally good and the money OK but really do need a chnage now and redundancy can be my springboard.

2. Teacher. Pros: Optimistically, I could be helping to provide kids with a future and be a role model for a whole load of disaffected kids. Cons: All them kids. The subjects I would be suited to teaching are compulsory so you're still teaching kids that don't see the need. On top of that, I don't have a degree so it could take forever to qualify.

3. Further Education tutor: Much the same considerations as above but for adults. Would be easier to qualify for, pays less.

4. Solicitor. I mean the type that deals in law here. This was, for a while top choice number one. However, the amount of study I would have to do, the amount that would cost and the time it would take when I would barely earn a bean is prohibitive.

5. Driving instructor. A bit out of left field this one perhaps? Damned expensive to start and nearly always self employed but hey, what's redundancy for if not to try and get you on your feet again? I remember the day I passed my test, I still maintain it was so I didn't have to spend another minute in the car with my awful instructor again, but I was elated and to see somebody that happy and to know you wre ea part of it can't be bad.

So the news is, I shall be handing over a large wad in trhe next few days and training to be a driving instructor. Hopefully, by new year I will be qualified enough to teach so if you know someone that could make use of an excellent driving instructor, you know where to find me.