I Can't Sing

I'd like to start this blog by making a couple of things clear.

1. I can't sing.

2. I have no musical ability, even less than my brother who could at least play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the guitar.

3. I have no qualification to judge another's musical ability.

4. I think X-factor is abhorrent.

5. I rather enjoy an eclectic mix of music.

All that being said, I can't fail to avoid the current furore over the twins on X-factor. So much so that I have watched (and therefore listened t0 and suffered) this weeks instalments of the X Factor. Agreed, the twins don't appear to have the same level of musical talent that many big names have, think U2, Frank Sinatra, BB King etc. and we have a different league. On the flip side of the coin, there was a pre pubescent kid doing back flips to Fly Me to the Moon. You can't tell me that's right either.

Methinks that we need to lighten up a little here, whilst we can decry the hype surrounding X-Factor and the fact that the once coveted Christmas number one is now a one horse race and not a Christmas single (novelty or otherwise think Slade), lets not forget the talent shows from times past. Good things came from New Faces (Marti Caine, Showaddywaddy) and Opportunity Knocks (Lena Zavaroni, Bonnie Langford). Have I convinced you yet? Think back to X factors over the last couple of years. Apart from the die-hard fans, who could name all the winners or, more pertinently, name more than one single from the winner. Now think back to Christmas 2000 - who can tell me the Christmas number one? No cheating, no looking it up.

It was Bob the Builder. A novelty if ever one was yet a huge selling song keeping Westlife off the number one spot (hurrah) when the 24th December charts were announced. And we all remember Bob The Builder. My point being that a bit of light hearted-ness is no bad thing. I would personally rather watch the twins having a bit of a laugh and putting on a stage show than many of the karaoke singers that appear on the show. Which of course brings up a whole different issue. When I were a lad, there were bands in the charts that could even play instruments. I don't see any of the contestants with a guitar, drums or even a synthesiser on stage.

So in summary, a straight contest, Bob the Builder, Slade, Mud or Boney M vs. This year's X-Factor winner, voted for by a gaggle of pre teen girls. I know which I would prefer.

On the Horns of a Dilemma

What is the plural of dilemma? Dillemmae? Dillemmi, Dilemmas? If there isn't anyone around try saying them out loud, none sound right. However whatever the plural is I have two borne from what is good news.

Today I had a second interview for a part time job in Hucclecote and they offered me the job. I have accepted. It seems a good way to get off the rock 'n' roll and leave behind the fortnightly adventure of the dole office whilst still giving me enough time to train to be a driving instructor. Everyone's a winner so far you might think.

So to dilemma number 1. You will recall that some weeks ago I was accepted for the temporary Christmas cover job with Royal Mail. Not being the union type, I was fully prepared to take this on; now, however, I have another job so the question is can I handle both for a period of four weeks? Doing the sums, a twenty hour week is four hours per day, add that to a ten hour night shift for Royal Mail and that's a fourteen hour day. Five days a week for four weeks. Reasonable money but will it be too much work? Remember, I served my apprenticeship as a civil servant so was used to a fourteen hour week if we were busy; I'm sure you have heard the joke - Why doesn't a civil servant look out of the window in the morning? - Because then they would have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Dilemma 2, and far more important. If you have been following my blog for some time, I think we can consider ourselves friends and what are friends for if not to share burdens of this importance? If you read the title of my blog and the first entry, you will know that it was born to share my experiences as a doley with anyone who might want to read it. So what to do now? I'm quite hooked on blogging and quite attached to this blog. I would be far too sad to abandon it now. It would be like losing a limb. Well, not quite like losing a limb, that's obviously much more severe but you get the drift. So, please feel free to comment, I'm thinking of re-titling to cover new job, training as a driving instructor or just about anything that comes to mind.

On Tuesday next week I shall be making my emotional visit to Jobcentre Plus for my last sign on and to sign off. Tears, I'm sure, will be shed.

Grumpy and Proud

I am a big fan of the BBC Grumpy old series. Probably no surprise to those that know me. Even the kids bough me a Mr Grumpy Tee shirt for my birthday a year or two ago, then a Mr Grumpy toy for Christmas. Since the age of about 12 I watched them and nodded through every comment. I didn't realise it was supposed to be comedy, I thought it was a documentary. Why do I tell you this? Yesterday was signing on day. Another jolly couple of hours at the dole office

It gave me reason to give more thought as to the perfect job. You'll no doubt recall a few blogs ago I discussed my career options. They were quite sensible. After signing on yesterday, I thought I would share some thoughts on the perfect job. Consider the following conversation with Job Centre chap who had read my form declaring my efforts at getting a job:

JC "Quite a variety of jobs you've shown an interest in Mr Kirby"

Me "Mm hmm"

JC "What are you looking for?"

Me "Something interesting"

JC "What's your perfect job?"

Pause.....

Me "Yours"

JC "Really?"

Me "Yes, after all, it's probably seen more growth than any other business of late"

But it got me thinking about some other jobs I have previously considered at least for a temporary position; traffic warden, truancy officer or best of all the guy that gets evidence on benefits fraudsters - you know following and filming the invalid playing football and the like. Put simply, any job that causes misery to people that I dislike; a way to vent my spleen. I fear I wouldn't last long in any of these posts though. I would be that traffic warden watching the clock for the instant that someone goes over their time.

If you are unemployed, you will be familiar with the sheets that you record your job search activities on. You note the date, what you did and the outcome. JC noticed the jobs I was applying for but not the comment against checking the job pages of the Citizen where I wrote "Nothing of interest, the job pages are about as good as the editorial".

Still, I took the conversation on to a different level:

Me "Actually I have a job now. Well not yet"

JC "So you need to sign off"

Me "Not yet, don't start until 23rd November and it's only for a month"

JC "You'll have to sign off and after the job finishes you'll have to sign back on but you can do a fast track renewal"

Me "Is it any quicker than a normal application"

JC "No".

It appears that if you do any temporary work over 16 hours in any one week you have to sign off then back on again every week you aren't working. It's a bit of a faff and I'm sure designed to piss you off so much you won't bother so there will be less people officially unemployed. Not me, Oh no, you won't get rid of me that easily. I will doggedly pursue my right to be a government statistic.

However, my friendly, honest JobCentre Plus adviser did agree that the government don't help people that want to get back to work. He's right.

Anyway, the good news, I have an interview tomorrow for a part time-ish job in Hucclecote where the job description is just for some bloke to come and do stuff in the office for 25 hours a week. I can do that. It's got to be better than signing on.

Happy Month-iversary

I spoil you dear reader. This constitutes my second blog in one week, how will you control your excitement? The purpose of this prolificness? The one month anniversary of the very purpose of this blog has recently passed, how could I let the one month-iversary pass uncelebrated? In order to mark this auspicious occasion, I thought I would give you an insight into my deepest thoughts and discoveries that have been spawned from this event.

• Being made redundant is actually no bad thing. Might be a little odd at first reading but if you have got stuck in a rut and need a kick up the proverbial backside to get out of it then it isn't a bad option. Oh, and a few quid to keep you going and supplement the rather meagre Job Seekers Allowance helps.
• Job Seekers Allowance is pants. You don't really have to be a job seeker, just browse the internet from time to time (or at least tell the Jobcentre you have) and you get your cash. What the allowance allows though, I have yet to discover.
• Jobcentre plus I have talked about before. The staff are generally very friendly and helpful if not easily confused by anything out of the ordinary. The name however is one of Her Majesty's Governments's biggest misnomers. It is barely a job centre (there aren't many relevant jobs and the searches are odd at best) and the plus part of the name must be because they had a few letters left over.
• There are a load of jobs out there. Willing to work? Willing to do anything? Not too fussy? Then get off yer arse and do something. Might be temporary or part time but must be more fulfilling than doing jack. And generally pays more unless you are an experienced, trained, scrounger.
• Benefits fraudsters must be some of the hardest working people there are. As an honest claimant, I have spent many an hour and much confusion mulling over the endless forms. Put that much effort into a job and you could make good money. Unless of course you are an experienced, trained, bone idle scrounger.
• Don't even consider doing anything worthwhile or becoming a useful member of society while you are unemployed. Any voluntary or unpaid work will attract more paperwork than you could imagine and a significant amount of doubt from anyone at Jobcentre or other benefit agencies "surely you can't be working for no pay, prove it, show us a payslip". "But I'm not paid". "Prove it, show us a payslip". You get the gist.
• Make the most of it. I have had some good quality time to myself and thoroughly enjoyed taking a wander round the hills. It's also a good time to consider what you really want to do.
• Security guards can be quite scary. And there are lots at the job centre.
• The main purpose of the City centre during the weekday is to provide somewhere for the unemployed, their kids and dogs to hang out and smoke very skinny roll ups. I don't think the dogs actually smoke.
• Month-iversary isn't actually a real word.
• Despite what you will hear, daytime TV isn't actually that bad if you look about. Loose Women is (are?) great.
• Except the adverts, they are truly crap.

Interview update

I know you have all been waiting with bated breath to hear how the interviews from my previous blog went. So the results have now been received on the teleprinter (Dickie Davies, Grandstand for those who remember the football results clicking through Saturday tea time) and it is 1-1.

First chronologically, Royal Mail. Not so much an interview this, I passed the on line tests some days before, they wanted to meet the candidates simply to make sure that we were real, willing, able and legally allowed to work in the country. Not being Albanian and having a full compliment of limbs, I was accepted. I have put my name down for night shift, reckon that should fit in nicely with other stuff that's going on now. It's only a month through December but at least that's a month of not having to go into the dole office, sorry, Jobcentre Plus; I may miss the soap opera that plays out on a fortnightly basis but that's the price you pay.

Second interview was for the NHS, or rather 2gether trust in Occupational therapy and, dear reader, you will remember that I didn't (and don't) know what the job was really for. In fact, I didn't even know it was for 2gether not NHS. Rather enjoyed the interview even so, kind of degenerated into a chat amongst three people that could have been friends for years. The killer question though was "What can you bring to the job". Tricky that one when you don't really know what the job is. Despite that, and despite (no surprise) not being offered the job, the interview feedback was good, so quite encouraging. The irony of it all is that the rejection call came whilst I was whiling my day away waiting for Anthony to have his hand put in plaster following a rugby related injury.

It is a bit of a dilemma though, plan still is to be a driving instructor so a permanent job wouldn't fit in too well, on the other hand, the pay would be good, I could save some of the redundancy that way. Possibly the best result would be a bit of a part time contract. Trouble is I might have to be a bit clever to do that.

And so to the weekend. The near annual Caravan show at the Three Counties show ground. I say we went to the caravan show, that does over egg the pudding somewhat. It's actually a good way of getting a couple of nights cheap pitch for the caravan right at the end of the season and taking the kids to let off some steam in Malvern. Vic and Anthony also joined me on a bimble over British Camp which, if you've never seen it, is a stunning Iron age hill fort to the south of the Malvern ridge.

This year, we have bought a new second hand camera from CEX, which, obviously, is pronounced the sex shop. It's a Nikon, not quite a compact and not quite a DSLR and has become my new toy. I am seeing far too much of life through a lens so I shall bore you rigid with a couple of my pictures from the weekend. I shall now turn into a photographic bore and wobble on about F stops, shutter speeds and ISO numbers. Except that would mean nothing to me either. Heck, I might even go out and buy a tripod.

And, the pride, the very pinnacle of my photographic and post editing software abilities, a panorama of the Malvern ridge.

I shall be taking commissions for these new found, genius, photographic skills.